I've decided that the hardest part of trying to conceive is that two-week-wait after ovulation and before you can test for pregnancy. It's not the medication, it's not the well-meaning people that say hurtful things, it's not the "timed baby dancing," it's not my friends getting pregnant all around me, it's not even finding out I didn't ovulate--it's that wait. Because when I don't ovulate, I know for sure: there will be no baby this month. And I can move on. But when I do ovulate, and "things" were timed seemingly just right--as they were a couple of weeks ago--those two weeks are nearly unbearable.
So the past 18 or so days I've been talking myself into being pregnant, and then minutes later talking myself out of it again:
"Hey, I sure am tired..." then "Well, I did stay up late last night after all."
"Wow, am I more hungry than usual or what?" then "I have been working out more this week."
"Ugh, this chicken sure smells funny and it's usually great..." then "Well maybe it's just a funky batch."
And finally, "I'm feeling pretty crampy...is that early pregnancy or PMS??"
But when my basal body temperature dropped back down to my coverline this morning--almost right on schedule--I knew, and I silently cried. Now I have only to wait for my period to actually start to confirm things, and that silly little voice of the Thing with Feathers is in my head saying, "Wait! Don't give up yet!" But I know, somehow, that Hope's promises are false.
I'm tired, y'all, and I'm discouraged. I'm tired of taking medication, timing the baby dance, tracking my BBT, over-analyzing every little twinge or sensation. It's emotionally exhausting. We've been trying for over two years, and though I know there are many couples who have tried much longer, two years is feeling like a long, long time.
I'm tired of watching so many friends who have been married for less than half the time we've been trying to have a baby get pregnant all around us. (Facebook is NOT my friend.) I try to rejoice with them, and for their sakes' I am happy, but I have to admit it causes me pain in the most selfish, fallen part of my heart.
Those nagging questions come back again, taunting me with my past and present sins and struggles, saying "No wonder they're pregnant and you're not, you horrible excuse for a Christian," and "You're worthless, woman: you can't even fulfill the most basic function of your existence." I'm tired of having to fight those lies so constantly.
I'm tired of having much-loved and well-meaning individuals (some of whom use birth control, ironically--but that's another post) remind me that "God's timing is perfect" or "God will bless you when He's ready" or "the Lord has a plan." All of these are true and good statements, and I feel like that horrible excuse for a Christian when I have the urge to glare at their speakers. But I've had so many people tell me these things so many times that I now feel like they are just saying them so that they don't have to deal with my pain head-on--they can pass it off to God, okay, they've done their duty, now I'm supposed to feel better. Guess what? I appreciate the thought and all, but I don't feel better. Just say (and mean) "I'm so sorry. I'll pray for you." That is all I need.
So now what? Do I just give up? Do I keep trying, timing, hoping? The only thing I know to do is keep praying, but how will I know when God answers me?
12 thoughts shared:
I don't know the answer, but I wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this. You are totally allowed to feel this way, as this is YOUR experience and it is valid.
Keep praying. I'll pray, too.
You will know when God answers you, because he'll make his ways known.
Some people do have years of unexplained infertility and then conceive, some never do and we'll never know why in this life. I think all we can do is pray.
I am sorry. :(
My heart just aches for you when I read this. I've been here, too. And I still get that ache sometimes when yet another friend of mine has a baby and I can't stop wishing and hoping for one of my own. I don't have any magic bullet, but I know that God has a purpose for you whether you conceive a child or not. Blessings to you!
Dear sister,
First of all excuse me for my English: it is not my native language.
Then I would like to say that I am realy sad for you. I remember how I felt when we were trying so hard. And everyone had good advice, but you just can not appreciate it. I will pray for you. We ourselfs don't have children eighter. But the Lord did lead us to adopting a baby (we are still waiting). We always felt that this could be a possibility and we were against IVF because the killing of embryo's. So althougt this was an option for us, we didn't do it and we signed in for adoption. But we also saw friends that did do IVF and we also know of people who remained childless... and everyone has Scripture references our explenations. That's hard sometimes. A year ago I also went throught very dark days but then the Lord did teach me how to enjoy every day (He used other people to teach me that), to enjoy and be gratefull of all the 'small things'. And it was also good to know that God does know me inside out, my frustrations, my tears, my sadness, He knows everything! He knows me more than I know myself (Psalms). He saves our tears in a bottle, the scripture says. Please tell Him how you feel. I will pray for you to! I hope you can see the meaning of it all once. The Lord just doens't work one way!
I'm so sorry. My heart aches with you today. I don't want to be insensitive with a curt, pat answer. Here's 4 thoughts... do a Facebook "fast" for a while. Facebook breeds jealousy in me as well as others, comparing ourselves, and "don't make a provision for the flesh"...if it arouses jealousy (speaking from personal experience here) and anger, just stay away from it for a long while. Second, I've heard about women being infertile for YEARS, then visiting a [good] chiropractor, and getting adjusted on a routine schedule might kick your body into gear to sustain a pregnancy. Lastly, have you heard of Maca Root? Read about it on the internet and order some high-quality stuff. Finally, thankfulness has a way of pushing out deep despair. My sister is a missionary, and she says when she's overcome with bad emotions, simply thanking God has an oh-so-strange way of lifting the spirit. Just some thoughts and I'll be praying for you today. A Sister in CA
You are NOT worthless, take those thoughts captive, sister!!! God's plan for you as a woman is to be your husband's helpmeet, lover, friend. You ARE doing that, so you ARE fulfilling your calling from God. "Now to Him who is able to do abundantly more than we ask or imagine (!) according to His power that is at work within us!" Amen. He will do abundantly more than you can ask or think. and Psalm..."I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of God in the land of the living." I be praying for you again today.
Thanks for being honest. I know it isn't always easy to lay your heart bare like that for everyone to see. I am praying for you and I'll keep praying for you. I felt exactly like this when it took three months for me to get pregnant with my fifth. Three months. And you have run so much further. I feel like a wimp. Hang in there. You are glorifying God even in this.
There are no good answers. Or good things to say. I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you!
Philippians 4:7
Oh honey:( I wish I knew exactly what you "should" do... but I don't. I do know though that you can trust Him.... even when it seems like He is messing everything up, you can still trust Him♥
Praying for you sweetie...
I am so sorry :( I am not married yet, but my brother and sister-in-law struggled to get pregnant and ultimately went through 2 miscarriages. But in the midst of their being physically unable to conceive, they immediately sought out adoption and their, and our entire family, has been blessed by 2 little girls. I know adoption isn't for everyone, but I have to tell you, I never think of my nieces any differently then if we were biologically related. You are in my prayers as you and husband continue this journey!!
I know how you are feeling. Something that drastically changed my heart attitude was after I was talking (complaining) to my husband he said to me, "You make me feel like I am not enough for you." Ouch that really hurt. The pain I was causing my husband because I was obsessed with having a baby... Anyway fast forward we took our foster care classes and in less than a year we have 3 beautiful children whom we are in the process of adopting! Now we are sometimes wishing for our days when we didn't have kids! We don't know if it is in God's will for us to have babies or not but we do believe God has called us to take care of the orphans and so that is what we are doing through foster care!Best wishes.
I feel what you are saying! I too am tired and ready to give up! I don't know what the answer is! I pray that our answers will come soon. At this point, I would like to know if it's going to happen naturally or if I need to pursue adoption. I know God has great plans, but I would like to know what they are! Hope you have a blessed day and I am praying for you!
-Amanda
I just found your blog and understand completely how you feel. How difficul it is to want a baby so badly, but to wonder if it will never happen... I know how long those 2 weeks feel! I will pray for you.
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